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My first visit with Brendan was AH-Mazing and very humbling.

 

I had to keep it a secret for many months leading up to the visit. I had a chance before in 2019 but it didn't work out. That in itself is a long story, but God had his timing for everything and I feel grateful for the opportunity. 

 

Walking up to the building with the group of ladies I was with, I felt so nervous. Mostly because I'm meeting someone I consider my best friend for many years for the first time face to face. But also I was nervous about what kind of environment I was going to see him in. It's one thing to know he is innocent in prison, it's another to SEE him there. Luckily his mother, Barbara, was there with us for the visit. She guided us to the front, filling out the visitor form, talking with the guard you registered with, where to safely put our belongings. We followed her lead. Walking through the metal detectors, walking down a long hallway filled with photos of different dogs the inmates had trained over the years. It was dark, slightly gloomy. At the end of the hall you get to a glass caged looking room. The guard opens the door, it shuts,  he opens a new door, and you walk through. There is a high sitting desk where a guard sits, you hand him the paper and are assigned your table. 

 

The visitor room looks very inviting. It seemed bright, but not colorful. But natural light fills it, with lots of widows looking out to a courtyard with a playground for children. The court yard is closed and has been since Brendan has been there, but it looks nice and still maintained out there. The tables are low to the ground, and it reminded me of kindergarten tables, "For the inmates safety". I do appreciate how nice the visitor room looks. They did try to make it look as nice as possible. 

 

We sat at the little table, all on one side of it. The other side was an empty chair, Brendan's chair. We waited for maybe ten minutes. It was the longest ten minutes. Brendan would be entering the room from behind us. I was facing his entrance the whole time, waiting to see if I could catch a glimpse of him walking into the room. I could see him walking up, getting patted down, and walking around the tall desk and making his way over to us. 

 

You only get a few seconds to hug. Can you imagine regulating your hugs? Being told you can only hug your mother, father, even your child for a few seconds? Granted Brendan doesn't have kids, but for other inmates that do, I can imagine that is hard. Especially if you shouldn't even be there. Hugging him warmed my heart. Watching him hug my friends, and his mother, also warmed my heart.

 

The whole visit lasted four hours total. Four very quick, not enough hours. The visitor room has an attached restaurant where the inmate and visitors can order food, when it's open. Both days it was, so we ordered lunch/dinner. The food was great. Knowing Brendan eats good food during his visits with his mom, is my happy thought, because Brendan is a foodie. We played cards, we colored, and we laughed a LOT. 

 

The first day when it was time to go, I had to hold my breath to keep from crying. I hate crying in front of people, and I really didn't want to cry in front of Brendan. So I held my breath until we made it to the car. I didn't want to leave him there. I knew I would be back the next day, but the thought of leaving him, an innocent man, in a place filled with criminals made me feel sick inside. The second day, I remember sitting in the driver's seat of the rental car, my friends with me, staring at the entrance of the building thinking "I can't leave him here. He doesn't belong here". I was silently crying. 

 

This experience was powerful and motivating for me. He needs freedom. He does not belong in prison, no matter how nice the food can be in the visitors room. Brendan Dassey should have to worry about how long his hugs are, or what he can wear, what he can listen to, watch or read. It relit a fire for me. And I feel very blessed to have experienced this. I know I'll visit with Brendan again in the future. I pray it's when he is free.